My up and down days

By Painbug

As an emotional roller coaster my days are filled with mixed emotions. I can get out the bed feeling good and happy ,but the moment I come into contact with other people its like a different personality comes to light. I become silent and don’t care to be bother with anyone. In some cases just as quick as I was eager to leave the house; is as faster as I want to get back home. My home seems to be my security blanket. It is hard to be around people when you are constantly in pain. I feel I’m on the edge and don’t have control over anything. Sometimes I feel lost with no direction or purpose at all.

I visited the idea of talking to a professional that didn’t help much especially since they was always rescheduling my appointments. Eventually I gave up on that idea. Talking to family members really doesn’t help. I always feel they are judging me for one thing or another. I started finding my own ways of coping with my life. The less people I am around the more helpful it is. I now have a limited amount of people I come into contact with in general. I try to stay away from family to much drama I can’t deal with. I became my own cheer-leader and coach to help me through everyday. Music seems to be helping, writing, not to mention my husband and children as well. Traveling helps a lot too except I had to change my views on this idea. Meditation helps during those times when getting out the bed is not a option.

This summer I decided to work on me. I diverted all my attention to focusing on myself still a working process. Sometimes you have to disconnect from the world to prepare yourself for the world.

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Dear John letter…Take Care

I let pain control my life for the last two and a half years. I am so done with nerve damage, Fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. Not to mention the other mental health problems you begin to develop over time. I am done with my red seat walker, my blue speed cane, and finally my trusty AFO leg piece. It has been a long journey for us throughout the years. You all have been there for me when I needed you all the most. I am sorry. I have never been the type of person to overstay my welcome. I don’t want to continue this relationship any longer. I believe it is time for us to go our separate ways. I don’t want to sound like I am picking between the three of you, but I still need one of you to help me a little while longer, please. I will discuss this matter with the one I need.

Now I have other matters to deal with. Pain, when are you leaving you, have overstayed your welcome to the point I can’t stand you. You have caused me so much grief in past and yet you have not let up your pressure. You have taken away my freedom, my security, my self-confidence, and my self-esteem. I can’t believe I allow you to belittle me the way you have. You are my weakness. The relationship has been very abusive and mentally draining. You made sure I was aware you were around every single moment of the day and night. You are very jealous of me being happy and productive. To top things off you had invited over friends to help make me miserable.

I have given you too much of my precious time. Now it is time for you to go find another hobby to focus all your time and energy on. Right now, I want you to take your friends and leave me alone. There is no room for negotiations just get your bags and start stepping out the door. Please, no need to look back to see if I am looking, because I already started a departure party on your behalf.

P.S

XOXO🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🚫🚫🚫