Here it is Mother’s Day and we spending the day moving our daughter from one college dorm to another. Sounds simple right? Not at all. Our day started at 4:30 am we drove for about four hours. We arrive to a dorm that is pack with stuff. How does one accumulate so much stuff in a small confined area? Well I see this isn’t going to be fast and quick like our daughter promise. I had the pleasure of stuff sitting her stuff for one hour and half in a parking garage.
When your heart becomes hard and starts to turn cold it’s time to start the purging process. No regrets, no remorse, or no self-pity just release. Release that energy back to where it came and never turn back.
Here is my disclaimer normally I do not share my personal stuff on social media times, but is hard and need to make sure I am not going crazy.
I need some advice quickly about my situation. So as we know I have been suffering from chronic pain and mental health issues. I have a son who is really really pushing his luck. He is 17 years old very disrespectful and self-center. I think he is a sociopath, but that is my opinion. I am not a professional who can diagnose but he has the signs. He constantly taunts us, tried to fight his dad twice, comes home when he gets ready, he feels we should allow him to bring company home when he feels like, and oh here is the kicker he feels we should be his personal taxi cab. all of this behavior started escalating over the last two years. He hasn’t had any trauma issues happen to him. He has been dealing with a girl who is one year older than her.
She is problematic as well. In and out of juvenile. She has a rap sheet full of assaults on her mother. Yes, I said she it beats her mom up. Very disrespectful, self-center and manipulative seen it first hand. I saw her talk to her mother like trash. She has tried her luck me with a nasty text message late one night. I had to let her know quickly I am not the one and she is over 18 years old. I think we nip that in the bud no issues from her anymore.
Now that I gave you a little background. Here are the things we tried already.
I had sought therapy for him. He told the therapist it was a waste of his and her time.
We ended up with a DCF case (Department of children and families) they came out dropped the case. He was placed in a youth emergency shelter for trying to fight his father.
We were referred to Boystown that offers non- residential services to no avail.
Sent him to a boys youth ranch he stay there for a while, but started trouble there and being disrespectful and defiance to the adults on grounds.
Police at the house a couple of times a week to de-escalate situations.
Restrictions in the house phone, tv, etc.. Was told we were possessive
All these things have not worked for us at all. The laws are set up to protect children which are good for children, how about the parent’s rights. We are being emotional abuse, I guess physically abuse when he tries to fight his dad and verbally abuse. If the shoe was on the other foot we would be under the jail. Please don’t think for one second we are scared or intimidated by this child. He is the fifth out of six children. The youngest boy of four sons. We had the normal teenager trouble with the others nothing this dramatic. None of the other kids dare to step out of line the way this child does. The sad thing is we saw him and this girl disrespect a grow ass man in our house. It’s too much I think God was in the room to stop all of us from snatching both their ass. We knew then he had issues that were just going to manifest to something worst.
As parents, we tend to question where did we go wrong? How can this child turn out like this we raised him, right? When did his mind snap? What causes this to behavior? Finally Why?
It has been hard for me and my husband trying to hold our composure during these times. As I write this my child decided he wasn’t coming home for two night. So now we have to deal with another concerned adult who is taking care of his girlfriend. They were wondering if my son was going to show up at their house. The question is she going to try to sneak him in and if so when caught will they cause a problem since they believe they are the 2019 version of Blonde and Clyde. Just went to his school for a meeting he requested we have with the guidance counselor. To our surprise (not really), he wasn’t at school.
My journey has been a struggle for me the last two years. Now I have to deal with an enlarged uterus, numerous fibroids, pain in the abdominal and abnormal bleeding. Not to mention one of the fibroids is 12 cm which is not good. More shit to deal with on top of everything else going on with me. To top everything I am beginning to distrust doctors altogether. Every time I turn around one of these doctors want to put me on some medication for reason or another. I am tired of taking medications and having to deal with side effects. I am done with the lack of communication between these Professional Medical people. If my primary dr has referred me to a specialist why can’t the just notify them as to what is going on? They have you fill out a book of paperwork on who is authorized to receive information. It is a pain in the butt to keep repeating the same stuff just so the doctor is informed becomes a hassle.
Now I have to deal with pharmacies political red tape just to try a last effort therapy before having a hysterectomy. Hopefully, we can resolve this soon I don’t need the added pain on top of what I am dealing with. Through this all, I am trying my best to maintain a positive outlook on things.
Where do you look for courage? When someone is facing depression, anxiety, and pain looking for courage is the farthest thing from their mind. When in the middle of an episode, it is really hard to think positive or even straight at times. It really doesn’t matter what anyone says at that time, because the only things you are thinking about while they are speaking is you don’t know what I am going through, or how it feels. What can I do to make it stop? Or finally, your thinking how can I make it stop, make it all stop. Why me?
Your mind tends to go downhill from the moment pain begins to speak. Which way do you turn for help? Sometimes you believe a phone conversation or even texting someone can help take your mind off the pain. Sad to say the texting or talking on the phone doesn’t help me. It reminds me how helpless I am when someone apologizes or say I wish there was something I could do for you. Please save your voice and my ears from empathy. I only hear with one ear and it’s rejecting whatever it hears through the same ear. I can’t even hear my owns thoughts clearly through the pain in my body.
How and where do I find this courage everyone keeps talking about? Can I just call its name will it respond to me? Courage can you find me now I need you more than ever?
What is Courage? Courage is the strength in the face of pain or grief, or the ability to do something that frightens one.
When I wake up in the morning courage is not waking up beside me. Depending on my body its other feelings I am waking up with. I tend to have conversations with myself throughout the day to gain my courage. It always starts with why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Follow by a series of questions that normally get me mad enough to prove myself wrong. Its like courage sets a fire under my butt to motivate me. Courage has me facing my day with great energy I begin to feel like the lion king of the jungle. I know it a continuing battle every day to find the courage to face life battle, but I am in it for the long run😁😉😎.