Where do you look for courage? When someone is facing depression, anxiety, and pain looking for courage is the farthest thing from their mind. When in the middle of an episode, it is really hard to think positive or even straight at times. It really doesn’t matter what anyone says at that time, because the only things you are thinking about while they are speaking is you don’t know what I am going through, or how it feels. What can I do to make it stop? Or finally, your thinking how can I make it stop, make it all stop. Why me?
Your mind tends to go downhill from the moment pain begins to speak. Which way do you turn for help? Sometimes you believe a phone conversation or even texting someone can help take your mind off the pain. Sad to say the texting or talking on the phone doesn’t help me. It reminds me how helpless I am when someone apologizes or say I wish there was something I could do for you. Please save your voice and my ears from empathy. I only hear with one ear and it’s rejecting whatever it hears through the same ear. I can’t even hear my owns thoughts clearly through the pain in my body.
How and where do I find this courage everyone keeps talking about? Can I just call its name will it respond to me? Courage can you find me now I need you more than ever?
What is Courage? Courage is the strength in the face of pain or grief, or the ability to do something that frightens one.
When I wake up in the morning courage is not waking up beside me. Depending on my body its other feelings I am waking up with. I tend to have conversations with myself throughout the day to gain my courage. It always starts with why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Follow by a series of questions that normally get me mad enough to prove myself wrong. Its like courage sets a fire under my butt to motivate me. Courage has me facing my day with great energy I begin to feel like the lion king of the jungle. I know it a continuing battle every day to find the courage to face life battle, but I am in it for the long run😁😉😎.
I am still learning about myself. I am a 40 “plus shipping and handling” something-year-old married with children. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia over 10+ years ago. In the last two years, I was also diagnosed with spinal cord injury, chronic pain, and severe nerve damage and some mental issues as well. Pain is not a stranger to me, but the complications are a huge part of my life now. My life has always been with problems from childhood to adulthood. I have conquered many obstacles people should never have to go through.
Recently I’ve been trying different outlets to help cope with my issues at hand. Writing is a new outlet for me so here I am to step out on faith and share my thoughts and experiences with the world. I have learned there are so many people in the world who share the same issues as myself. I hope this can help someone else who may be feeling like there is no way out of this crazy tunnel.
I have been told I am not longer disable and can get a job. Well, I have been in this condition for the years two going on three years now. My life has been turned upside down, sides ways and broken. The last time I tried to work was two years and even then it was so hard with reducing hours and tasks still wasn’t working. I started this site over a year ago and to this day I can’t keep up with it. This issue/ problem has been inferring with the simplest things in life. My mental is all haywires and it has been physically a living nightmare. I was forced to restructure my life. Since March of 2016 life as I have known it was over and a new one was forced on me. My education and experience have become useless in this new way of living.
My day depends on how much pain I am dealing with to function. Been told numerous times there isn’t any cure nor any medicines that would help relieve the pain I have to endure. To be able to complete a task is a fight in itself. Not to mention the mental issues I acquire without permission. My body lets me know right away if wants what kind of day it’s going to be. The sad thing is the pain doesn’t have a time frame for when it starts.
Life has been a roller coaster for the last two and a half years of my life. There is a saying be careful what you ask for you just may get it. I use to wonder what people meant by they had to reconstruct their life after getting sick. I have experienced first hand what its like to have your life changed in a blink of mine eye. Since March of 2016 my life has changed so dramatically I haven’t been able to keep up with it myself. I used to think the light was going to be shining and the end of this dark tunnel was approaching. To my surprise life had another alternative plan for me. I am trying to adjust to the change and accept the new issues that have arisen.
As I look back on my life thus far, it has been a journey for me. Felt I was accomplishing my goals but, now I see this wasn’t the intended plan for me. Of course, I don’t regret anything I have done thus far it is a learning curve for me. Through the years I was able to obtain three college degrees and was able to start working in my desired career paths. We raised four children, made sure they finished school and chosen the path they wanted to pursue. I am very proud of what we had accomplished thus far. We still have two children left to raise. One will be 18 next year and our baby girl have seven more years before she is ready to be a young lady.
During the last two years, I’ve learned my education and experiences has no bearing right now in my life. I had to come up with a new plan of action which would’ve never cross my mind. Every day is faced with new obstacles, challenges, and defeat, but through it, all I can do is fight to the best of my ability. Now I understand you have to create your own light. Faith and hope are the two things I really can rely on to see me through this journey. My light is shining around me in this tunnel I just had to open my mind and eyes to see it.
We have up and downs all the time. I have been through so much in this last two weeks I wondered how did I survive it. No matter what age you are life will test you. I went from losing a relationship with my son to losing a sister in law and wanting to kill my husband all on the same night. I felt so weak and in so much pain mentally and physically that I couldn’t think straight at all. It was like my world was crashing and there was nothing I could do but sit and watch. My drama last over the weekend and stuff got real on that Monday. I still didn’t have time to think because I had to be a wife and a sister in law. The stuff with my son was put on hold and the beef with husband was put on ice. I was so grateful for my neighbor she stepped up to volunteer and keep my daughter while we had to leave the state. She wanted to make sure my daughter wouldn’t miss school. I didn’t think about my daughter missing school.
While dealing with my brother in law the drama started the moment we stepped into his house. I have never come across so many fake money hungry property thieving people. I drove nine hours straight to arrive 12:30 am at a house we always stayed. We were told by people we never met that we would have to stay at a hotel. Are you kidding me we are out in the country land where the nearest hotel is a roach motel 30 minutes drive away. By the time we check into the hotel and lay our heads down, it was almost 2 am. The service was the next day at 10:00 am.