We are only halfway through the year 2020. In the last five months, it seems like an entire year has passed by. To date, 2020 included events such as fires, floods, earthquakes, mass shootings, massive deaths and, a major pandemic.
In 2020 we have lost more lives then the world trade center attacks, the mass shootings, hurricanes, and tornadoes.
2020 is the year when technology was the only resource available to communicate with the world.
2020 is the year we seen politics true colors.
2020 is the year the President of the United States told us to ingest cleaning solutions to cure the COVID-19 virus(“He said he was being Sarcastic toward the media”).
2020 is the year the United States was represented by COVID-19 case colors on a map.
2020 is the year people started drawing closer, to Jehovah our GOD.
2020 is the year more people will rely on their faith to cope through this pandemic.
2020 is the year when I started using my common sense and started following my heart.
I was so precious. I was unique and beautiful. I was innocent and pure. I was gullible and vulnerable. I was violated.
I was a child.
I was so alone. I was so confused and lost. I was scared.
I was robbed of my childhood.
You berated and belittle me constantly. You beat me and you neglected me. You abandoned me and left me to defend myself.
Most of all you hated me.
I looked to you for protection. I looked to you for help. I looked for you to save me.
I look for you to love me.
You gave me away like a piece of candy. You threw me to the wolves. You made me disappear. You remove the thought of me from your memory.
You killed me.
The new me surfaced and the old me was me cremated. The new me started achieving everything the old me was denied. The new me is stronger and tougher. The new me is bold and fierce. The new me is a warrior. The new me doesn’t look or yearn for you anymore. The new me shields my heart from you.
The new me forgives you for all the wrong you have done to me.
As I write this, I shed tears down my face. I cried not because of the pain, sorrow, shame, or the feeling of being let down by you.
I shed tears because I am happy.
Jehovah has blessed me with love and life 1 John 4:19. He shields me with faith, hope, and love. He feeds my soul Matthew 5:3
They say I will never amount to anything in life. They say I am the spawn who walks the earth. They say I will ruin everything I touch. They say one look at me will scar you for life. They say no one will ever like me. They say I am ugly. They say I should just crawl in a corner and dissolve away.
I say to them look closely in the mirror. I am just a reflection looking back at you.
This is my first time so please bear with me. Here is my story the short version. I was born with a fatty tumor in my lower back. It looked like I had a little monkey tail. When I was two years old they surgical cut it down. The site was an ugly puff scar. Somehow I remember them performing the surgery and seeing them cutting the tumor. I don’t recall having any problems as I was growing up. Fast forward thirty plus years. Not willing to reveal my age just yet. The last 10 years has been nothing but problems with my lower back. One day I experience being paralyzed from the waist down only last a couple of hours. We went to several doctors and to no avail. Finally, a chiropractor decided to do an MRI and discover the tumor was back, but it was benign. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia as the cause of all my pain. Due to all the medication, I was taking the excessive weight gain helped play a part in my pain.
The last decade has been very painfully for me. Recently I started experiencing new symptoms. In 2014, things started getting weird for me. I would get out the bed and just fall to the floor. As soon as I would take the first step off of the bed it was like my foot would never touch the ground. My husband thought I was falling on purpose. One day my right leg was hurt really bad and couldn’t move. The next time I was getting up from the couch and just fell back. This happened more frequently on daily basis. I started wetting myself numerous times during the day.
I was diagnosed with having a tumor attached to my spinal cord. The tumor was pulling my spinal cord down to my tailbone. My symptoms were getting worse. I needed to have surgery. A detethering of the spinal cord would release the tumor. I had surgery with an outcome of partially paralyzed on the lower left leg. I have full control of three toes. The rest of my foot I am not able to feel. The knee can’t tell when it’s getting weak and there is no feeling between the knee and ankle. I am a major fall risk. My ankles hurt all the time. I am having a difficult time with keeping a job. Some days the pain is bad I just want to sleep all day. There are days I just sleep in.
Now I am learning the weather plays a key role in my pain. I have been told there is no medication they can prescribe to me. I don’t sleep well at night. My bedtime is normally around 3 am. I haven’t mentioned, I have to take muscle relaxers to go to sleep every night.