Looking for my Courage/Valor ðŸ‘€ðŸ‘€ðŸ‘€ðŸ‘€ðŸ‘€

Where do you look for courage? When someone is facing depression, anxiety, and pain looking for courage is the farthest thing from their mind. When in the middle of an episode, it is really hard to think positive or even straight at times. It really doesn’t matter what anyone says at that time, because the only things you are thinking about while they are speaking is you don’t know what I am going through, or how it feels. What can I do to make it stop? Or finally, your thinking how can I make it stop, make it all stop.  Why me? 

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” Just tell yourself the pain is the healing process, you are strong and brave, I am proud of you, your strength is amazing, and If I can take the pain from you i would”

Your mind tends to go downhill from the moment pain begins to speak. Which way do you turn for help? Sometimes you believe a phone conversation or even texting someone can help take your mind off the pain.  Sad to say the texting or talking on the phone doesn’t help me. It reminds me how helpless I am when someone apologizes or say I wish there was something I could do for you. Please save your voice and my ears from empathy. I only hear with one ear and it’s rejecting whatever it hears through the same ear. I can’t even hear my owns thoughts clearly through the pain in my body.

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Here is the famous question on a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling today? I want to ask who and how a scale from 1-10 really can measure my pain level?

How and where do I find this courage everyone keeps talking about? Can I just call its name will it respond to me? Courage can you find me now I need you more than ever?

What is Courage? Courage is the strength in the face of pain or grief, or the ability to do something that frightens one.

When I wake up in the morning courage is not waking up beside me. Depending on my body its other feelings I am waking up with. I tend to have conversations with myself throughout the day to gain my courage. It always starts with why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Follow by a series of questions that normally get me mad enough to prove myself wrong. Its like courage sets a fire under my butt to motivate me. Courage has me facing my day with great energy I begin to feel like the lion king of the jungle. I know it a continuing battle every day to find the courage to face life battle, but I am in it for the long run😁😉😎.

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Who am I and Why I am here

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I am still learning about myself. I am a 40 “plus shipping and handling” something-year-old married with children. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia over 10+ years ago. In the last two years, I was also diagnosed with spinal cord injury, chronic pain, and severe nerve damage and some mental issues as well. Pain is not a stranger to me, but the complications are a huge part of my life now. My life has always been with problems from childhood to adulthood. I have conquered many obstacles people should never have to go through.

Recently I’ve been trying different outlets to help cope with my issues at hand.  Writing is a new outlet for me so here I am to step out on faith and share my thoughts and experiences with the world. I have learned there are so many people in the world who share the same issues as myself.  I hope this can help someone else who may be feeling like there is no way out of this crazy tunnel.

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Welcome to my world!!!!!

Dear John letter…Take Care

I let pain control my life for the last two and a half years. I am so done with nerve damage, Fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. Not to mention the other mental health problems you begin to develop over time. I am done with my red seat walker, my blue speed cane, and finally my trusty AFO leg piece. It has been a long journey for us throughout the years. You all have been there for me when I needed you all the most. I am sorry. I have never been the type of person to overstay my welcome. I don’t want to continue this relationship any longer. I believe it is time for us to go our separate ways. I don’t want to sound like I am picking between the three of you, but I still need one of you to help me a little while longer, please. I will discuss this matter with the one I need.

Now I have other matters to deal with. Pain, when are you leaving you, have overstayed your welcome to the point I can’t stand you. You have caused me so much grief in past and yet you have not let up your pressure. You have taken away my freedom, my security, my self-confidence, and my self-esteem. I can’t believe I allow you to belittle me the way you have. You are my weakness. The relationship has been very abusive and mentally draining. You made sure I was aware you were around every single moment of the day and night. You are very jealous of me being happy and productive. To top things off you had invited over friends to help make me miserable.

I have given you too much of my precious time. Now it is time for you to go find another hobby to focus all your time and energy on. Right now, I want you to take your friends and leave me alone. There is no room for negotiations just get your bags and start stepping out the door. Please, no need to look back to see if I am looking, because I already started a departure party on your behalf.

P.S

XOXO🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🚫🚫🚫