Why is it life always find a way to throw you for a loop? It seems when you finally have figure out things here comes another problem. Problem after problem hill after hill to constantly climb to reach the top. The emotion and physical roller coaster is draining the very life from you. Will the sorrow and the pain ever end? Can I live a happy ever after life like the characters on TV or is it just the way my life is setup?
Life is full of lessons to be learn. We can only take it one day at a time. Today maybe good day and tomorrow could be horrible, the one thing for certain is everyday is a new day with endless possibilities. All we can do is accept the things we can change and let go of the things we can not change.
I am a walking emotion wreck but its my life. I can control my feelings, and some times I can control my emotions. I can’t control the pain ,but I can fight like hell so it won’t take over my life.
Here is my disclaimer normally I do not share my personal stuff on social media times, but is hard and need to make sure I am not going crazy.
I need some advice quickly about my situation. So as we know I have been suffering from chronic pain and mental health issues. I have a son who is really really pushing his luck. He is 17 years old very disrespectful and self-center. I think he is a sociopath, but that is my opinion. I am not a professional who can diagnose but he has the signs. He constantly taunts us, tried to fight his dad twice, comes home when he gets ready, he feels we should allow him to bring company home when he feels like, and oh here is the kicker he feels we should be his personal taxi cab. all of this behavior started escalating over the last two years. He hasn’t had any trauma issues happen to him. He has been dealing with a girl who is one year older than her.
She is problematic as well. In and out of juvenile. She has a rap sheet full of assaults on her mother. Yes, I said she it beats her mom up. Very disrespectful, self-center and manipulative seen it first hand. I saw her talk to her mother like trash. She has tried her luck me with a nasty text message late one night. I had to let her know quickly I am not the one and she is over 18 years old. I think we nip that in the bud no issues from her anymore.
Now that I gave you a little background. Here are the things we tried already.
I had sought therapy for him. He told the therapist it was a waste of his and her time.
We ended up with a DCF case (Department of children and families) they came out dropped the case. He was placed in a youth emergency shelter for trying to fight his father.
We were referred to Boystown that offers non- residential services to no avail.
Sent him to a boys youth ranch he stay there for a while, but started trouble there and being disrespectful and defiance to the adults on grounds.
Police at the house a couple of times a week to de-escalate situations.
Restrictions in the house phone, tv, etc.. Was told we were possessive
All these things have not worked for us at all. The laws are set up to protect children which are good for children, how about the parent’s rights. We are being emotional abuse, I guess physically abuse when he tries to fight his dad and verbally abuse. If the shoe was on the other foot we would be under the jail. Please don’t think for one second we are scared or intimidated by this child. He is the fifth out of six children. The youngest boy of four sons. We had the normal teenager trouble with the others nothing this dramatic. None of the other kids dare to step out of line the way this child does. The sad thing is we saw him and this girl disrespect a grow ass man in our house. It’s too much I think God was in the room to stop all of us from snatching both their ass. We knew then he had issues that were just going to manifest to something worst.
As parents, we tend to question where did we go wrong? How can this child turn out like this we raised him, right? When did his mind snap? What causes this to behavior? Finally Why?
It has been hard for me and my husband trying to hold our composure during these times. As I write this my child decided he wasn’t coming home for two night. So now we have to deal with another concerned adult who is taking care of his girlfriend. They were wondering if my son was going to show up at their house. The question is she going to try to sneak him in and if so when caught will they cause a problem since they believe they are the 2019 version of Blonde and Clyde. Just went to his school for a meeting he requested we have with the guidance counselor. To our surprise (not really), he wasn’t at school.
Where do you look for courage? When someone is facing depression, anxiety, and pain looking for courage is the farthest thing from their mind. When in the middle of an episode, it is really hard to think positive or even straight at times. It really doesn’t matter what anyone says at that time, because the only things you are thinking about while they are speaking is you don’t know what I am going through, or how it feels. What can I do to make it stop? Or finally, your thinking how can I make it stop, make it all stop. Why me?
Your mind tends to go downhill from the moment pain begins to speak. Which way do you turn for help? Sometimes you believe a phone conversation or even texting someone can help take your mind off the pain. Sad to say the texting or talking on the phone doesn’t help me. It reminds me how helpless I am when someone apologizes or say I wish there is something I can do for you. Please save your voice and my ears from empathy. I only hear with one ear and it’s rejecting whatever it hears through the same ear. I can’t even hear my owns thoughts clearly through the pain in my body.
How and where do I find this courage everyone keeps talking about? Can I just call its name will it respond to me? Courage can you find me now I need you more than ever?
What is Courage? Courage is the strength in the face of pain or grief, or the ability to do something that frightens one.
When I wake up in the morning courage is not waking up beside me. Depending on my body its other feelings I am waking up with. I tend to have conversations with myself throughout the day to gain my courage. It always starts with why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Follow by a series of questions that normally get me mad enough to prove myself wrong. Its like courage sets a fire under my butt to motivate me. Courage has me facing my day with great energy I begin to feel like the lion king of the jungle. I know it a continuing battle every day to find the courage to face life battle, but I am in it for the long run😁😉😎.
It feels good to know there are other people who may be facing the same feelings as I do. I would love to share my experiences and feeling too with other people. Sometimes it can be really hard when you are stuck in bed and a prisoner of your own mind. You tend to wonder are there other people who are facing the same mental and physical feelings? Are you the only one who seems to think this situation is a punishment for some strange reason? There are multiple questions I would ask myself on a daily basis while I am trying to get my head together.
We all need an outlet in troubled times. Someone suggested I start a blog to share my experiences with other people. I am the type of person who would keep everything to myself so I wouldn’t burden other people with my drama. When people see me they comment on how strong I must be to endure so much. I want to yell out so bad the person you are talking to is not strong. In reality, I am a weak person who has conversations with herself every day just to get motived. I am always fighting just to function normally. There are days when my body wins the fight and all I see is the bed.
It is tough to fight with pain, hiding feelings, and loneliness. No one really knows how it feels unless they are experiencing the same thing. I do have a small close support system, but I want to bring them into your madness so I fake it to make it. Now I know there are other people who face the same thing as I and are struggling to fight as well.
I have been told I am not longer disable and can get a job. Well, I have been in this condition for the years two going on three years now. My life has been turned upside down, sides ways and broken. The last time I tried to work was two years and even then it was so hard with reducing hours and tasks still wasn’t working. I started this site over a year ago and to this day I can’t keep up with it. This issue/ problem has been inferring with the simplest things in life. My mental is all haywires and it has been physically a living nightmare. I was forced to restructure my life. Since March of 2016 life as I have known it was over and a new one was forced on me. My education and experience have become useless in this new way of living.
My day depends on how much pain I am dealing with to function. Been told numerous times there isn’t any cure nor any medicines that would help relieve the pain I have to endure. To be able to complete a task is a fight in itself. Not to mention the mental issues I acquire without permission. My body lets me know right away if wants what kind of day it’s going to be. The sad thing is the pain doesn’t have a time frame for when it starts.
Life has been a roller coaster for the last two and a half years of my life. There is a saying be careful what you ask for you just may get it. I use to wonder what people meant by they had to reconstruct their life after getting sick. I have experienced first hand what its like to have your life changed in a blink of mine eye. Since March of 2016 my life has changed so dramatically I haven’t been able to keep up with it myself. I used to think the light was going to be shining and the end of this dark tunnel was approaching. To my surprise life had another alternative plan for me. I am trying to adjust to the change and accept the new issues that have arisen.
As I look back on my life thus far, it has been a journey for me. Felt I was accomplishing my goals but, now I see this wasn’t the intended plan for me. Of course, I don’t regret anything I have done thus far it is a learning curve for me. Through the years I was able to obtain three college degrees and was able to start working in my desired career paths. We raised four children, made sure they finished school and chosen the path they wanted to pursue. I am very proud of what we had accomplished thus far. We still have two children left to raise. One will be 18 next year and our baby girl have seven more years before she is ready to be a young lady.
During the last two years, I’ve learned my education and experiences has no bearing right now in my life. I had to come up with a new plan of action which would’ve never cross my mind. Every day is faced with new obstacles, challenges, and defeat, but through it, all I can do is fight to the best of my ability. Now I understand you have to create your own light. Faith and hope are the two things I really can rely on to see me through this journey. My light is shining around me in this tunnel I just had to open my mind and eyes to see it.