Looking for my Courage/Valor πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€

Where do you look for courage? When someone is facing depression, anxiety, and pain looking for courage is the farthest thing from their mind. When in the middle of an episode, it is really hard to think positive or even straight at times. It really doesn’t matter what anyone says at that time, because the only things you are thinking about while they are speaking is you don’t know what I am going through, or how it feels. What can I do to make it stop? Or finally, your thinking how can I make it stop, make it all stop.  Why me? 

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” Just tell yourself the pain is the healing process, you are strong and brave, I am proud of you, your strength is amazing, and If I can take the pain from you i would”

Your mind tends to go downhill from the moment pain begins to speak. Which way do you turn for help? Sometimes you believe a phone conversation or even texting someone can help take your mind off the pain.Β  Sad to say the texting or talking on the phone doesn’t help me. It reminds me how helpless I am when someone apologizes or say I wish there is something I can do for you. Please save your voice and my ears from empathy. I only hear with one ear and it’s rejecting whatever it hears through the same ear. I can’t even hear my owns thoughts clearly through the pain in my body.

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Here is the famous question on a scale of 1-10 how are you feeling today? I want to ask who and how a scale from 1-10 really can measure my pain level?

How and where do I find this courage everyone keeps talking about? Can I just call its name will it respond to me? Courage can you find me now I need you more than ever?

What is Courage? Courage is the strength in the face of pain or grief, or the ability to do something that frightens one.

When I wake up in the morning courage is not waking up beside me. Depending on my body its other feelings I am waking up with. I tend to have conversations with myself throughout the day to gain my courage. It always starts with why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Follow by a series of questions that normally get me mad enough to prove myself wrong. Its like courage sets a fire under my butt to motivate me. Courage has me facing my day with great energy I begin to feel like the lion king of the jungle. I know it a continuing battle every day to find the courage to face life battle, but I am in it for the long runπŸ˜πŸ˜‰πŸ˜Ž.

Conversations with Me, Myself, and I

Monday Inspiration

I read an inspiration blog from Claire Saul(PainPalBlog) she provides some really good readings this one particularly reading caught my attention and had me thinking.

http://theunchargeables.com/pain-awareness-month-why-does-it-matter

It feels good to know thereΒ are other people who may be facing the same feelings asΒ  I do. I would love to share my experiences and feeling too with other people. Sometimes it can be really hard when you are stuck in bed and a prisoner of your own mind. You tend to wonder are there other people who are facing the same mental and physical feelings? Are you the only one who seems to think this situation is a punishment for some strange reason? There are multiple questions I would ask myself on a daily basis while I am trying to get my head together.

We all need an outlet in troubled times.Β  Someone suggested I start a blog to share my experiences with other people. I am the type of person who would keep everything to myself so I wouldn’t burden other people with my drama. When people see me they comment on how strong I must be to endure so much. I want to yell out so bad the person you are talking to is not strong. In reality, I am a weak person who has conversations with herself every day just to get motived.Β  I am always fighting just to function normally. There are days when my body wins the fight and all I see is the bed.

It is tough to fight with pain, hiding feelings, and loneliness. No one really knows how it feels unless they are experiencing the same thing. I do have a small close support system, but I want to bring them into your madness so I fake it to make it. Now I know there are other people who face the same thing as I and are struggling to fight as well.

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Photo by ambar simpang on Pexels.com

Living life with pain is very difficult to do.

We all are strong inside.

 

What can you do when the government tells you to go you are no longer disabled

Can someone answer this question above?

I have been told I am not longer disable and can get a job. Well, I have been in this condition for the years two going on three years now. My life has been turned upside down, sides ways and broken. The last time I tried to work was two years and even then it was so hard with reducing hours and tasks still wasn’t working. I started this site over a year ago and to this day I can’t keep up with it. This issue/ problem has been inferring with the simplest things in life. My mental is all haywires and it has been physically a living nightmare. I was forced to restructure my life. Since March of 2016 life as I have known it was over and a new one was forced on me. My education and experience have become useless in this new way of living.

My day depends on how much pain I am dealing with to function. Been told numerous times there isn’t any cure nor any medicines that would help relieve the pain I have to endure. To be able to complete a task is a fight in itself. Not to mention the mental issues I acquire without permission. My body lets me know right away if wants what kind of day it’s going to be. The sad thing is the pain doesn’t have a time frame for when it starts. 

Is there any light in this tunnel?

Life has been a roller coaster for the last two and a half years of my life. There is a saying be careful what you ask for you just may get it. I use to wonder what people meant by they had to reconstruct their life after getting sick. I have experienced first hand what its like to have your life changed in a blink of mine eye. Since March of 2016 my life has changed so dramatically I haven’t been able to keep up with it myself. I used to think the light was going to be shining and the end of this dark tunnel was approaching. To my surprise life had another alternative plan for me. I am trying to adjust to the change and accept the new issues that have arisen.

As I look back on my life thus far, it has been a journey for me. Felt I was accomplishing my goals but, now I see this wasn’t the intended plan for me. Of course, I don’t regret anything I have done thus far it is a learning curve for me. Through the years I was able to obtain three college degrees and was able to start working in my desired career paths. We raised four children, made sure they finished school and chosen the path they wanted to pursue. I am very proud of what we had accomplished thus far. We still have two children left to raise. One will be 18 next year and our baby girl have seven more years before she is ready to be a young lady.

During the last two years, I’ve learned my education and experiences has no bearing right now in my life. I had to come up with a new plan of action which would’ve never cross my mind. Every day is faced with new obstacles, challenges, and defeat, but through it, all I can do is fight to the best of my ability. Now I understand you have to create your own light. Faith and hope are the two things I really can rely on to see me through this journey. My light is shining around me in this tunnel I just had to open my mind and eyes to see it.

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Dear John letter…Take Care

I let pain control my life for the last two and a half years. I am so done with nerve damage, Fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. Not to mention the other mental health problems you begin to develop over time. I am done with my red seat walker, my blue speed cane, and finally my trusty AFO leg piece. It has been a long journey for us throughout the years. You all have been there for me when I needed you all the most. I am sorry. I have never been the type of person to overstay my welcome. I don’t want to continue this relationship any longer. I believe it is time for us to go our separate ways. I don’t want to sound like I am picking between the three of you, but I still need one of you to help me a little while longer, please. I will discuss this matter with the one I need.

Now I have other matters to deal with. Pain, when are you leaving you have overstayed your welcome to the point I can’t stand you. You have caused me so much grief in past and yet you have not let up your pressure. You have taken away my freedom, my security, my self-confidence, and my self-esteem. I can’t believe I allow you to belittle me the way you have. You are my weakness. The relationship has been very abusive and mentally draining. You made sure I was aware you were around every single moment of the day and night. You are very jealous of me being happy and productive. To top things off you had invited over friends to help make me miserable.

I have given you too much of my precious time. Now it is time for you to go find another hobby to focus all your time and energy on. Right now, I want you to take your friends and leave me alone. There is no room for negotiations just get your bags and start stepping out the door. Please, no need to look back to see if I am looking, because I already started a departure party on your behalf.

P.S

XOXOπŸ™‹β€β™€οΈπŸ™‹β€β™€οΈπŸš«πŸš«πŸš«

Life is to short.

via Daily Prompt: Laughter

We walk around as if we have plenty of time to get things done. We focus on the wrong things such as money, cars, clothes, and all materials things that are meaningless. We all have to add laughter to our daily routines. Sometimes we have to make ourselves laugh just to get through the moment. Enjoying happiness is priceless it doesn’t require anything from you except laughter. Enjoy life while you can

Living everyday with chronic pain

This is my first time so please bear with me.  Here is my story the short version. I was born with a fatty tumor in my lower back. It looked like I had a little monkey tail. When I was two years old they surgical cut it down.  The site was an ugly puff scar. Somehow I remember them performing the surgery and seeing them cutting the tumor. I don’t recall having any problems as I was growing up. Fast forward thirty plus years. Not willing to reveal my age just yet.  The last 10 years has been nothing but problems with my lower back. One day I experience being paralyzed from the waist down only last a couple of hours. We went to several doctors and to no avail. Finally, a chiropractor decided to do an MRI and discover the tumor was back, but it was benign.  I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia as the cause of all my pain. Due to all the medication, I was taking the excessive weight gain helped play a part in my pain.

The last decade has been very painfully for me. Recently I started experiencing new symptoms. In 2014, things started getting weird for me. I would get out the bed and just fall to the floor. As soon as I would take the first step off of the bed it was like my foot would never touch the ground.  My husband thought I was falling on purpose. One day my right leg was hurt really bad and couldn’t move. The next time I was getting up from the couch and just fell back. This happened more frequently on daily basis. I started wetting myself numerous times during the day.

I was diagnosed with having a tumor attached to my spinal cord. The tumor was pulling my spinal cord down to my tailbone.  My symptoms were getting worse. I needed to have surgery. A detethering of the spinal cord would release the tumor.   I had surgery with an outcome of partially paralyzed on the lower left leg. I have full control of three toes. The rest of my foot I am not able to feel. The knee can’t tell when it’s getting weak and there is no feeling between the knee and ankle. I  am a major fall risk. My ankles hurt all the time. I am having a difficult time with keeping a job. Some days the pain is bad I just want to sleep all day. There are days I just sleep in.

Now I am learning the weather plays a key role in my pain. I have been told there is no medication they can prescribe to me. I don’t sleep well at night. My bedtime is normally around 3 am. I haven’t  mentioned, I have to take muscle relaxers to go to sleep every night.